When Zombies Attack
How to Survive When Zombies Attack.
Inevitably, there will be a Zombie apocalypse. It’s unlikely that they’ll rise from the grave because the dead cannot come back to life. Most likely zombies will be caused by bacteria, spores, virus, possibly mutations of the same spores that affect ants. There are already Zombie Ants, and they are very real. Chances are that humans are next.
So when zombies inevitably attack, you’ll need to figure out how to survive. Here are several tips for surviving the zombie apocalypse.
Zombie Survival Tips
* Avoid Close Combat
Obviously you need to avoid the zombie bite. Yet many people seem to equip themselves with things like knives. This is a waste of pocket budget. You only have so much room in your pockets and backpack, and a knife – while likely effective once in a while – is a weapon that requires you to get in close. You should never run at a zombie, so knives are out. Large swords are not a bad backup plan. You can find them at many small asian grocers. Remember that the grocer may also be a zombie.
* Run Away
One of the main mistakes that human beings are going to make during a zombie apocalypse is staying to kill as many zombies as they can before they run. There are going to be millions upon millions of zombies. If you see a pack of zombies, you should run. Don’t try to kill 3 or 4 and then run, because that’s time you’re allowing the other hundreds of zombies to catch up. Those three or four make no difference at all.
* Always Carry Too Much Ammo
It’s better to be a tiny bit slower with pounds upon pounds of ammo then a lot faster with less ammo. Remember, zombies are slow. You should be able to outrun them fairly easily. But you cannot simply magic a bullet out of thin air. Carry as many bullets and guns as you can handle without getting too tired, and find places to hide huge stashes of additional ammo in the event you run out.
* Your Vehicle is a Weapon Drive a Tough One
If you’re full of gas and you see some zombies, don’t get out of your Hummer to fight them. Your first step should be to drive away as fast as you can. If you are concerned that your truck might get stuck, slam on the gas and drive into them as quickly as possible. Zombies don’t know how to open car doors and they’re not smart enough to break the glass with their fingers. Stay in your vehicle, run them over, and keep doing so until you’ve cleared a path.
* Wear Leather
Leather is hard to bite through, and while these are zombies, they are also human beings. Wear lots of leather, and absolutely remember to wear leather gloves since your fingers are easy to bite. Leather boots for ankle bitters may be a good idea as well, because zombies not shot through the brain will try to bite your legs and feet. Don’t forget to drink lots of water.
Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse
Chances are you’re going to die. In an apocalypse those who die early win. Even if you don’t die, you’ll probably wish you were dead. Life is not going to be very fun when the zombies take over the world. But if you are going to try to survive, use the above tips, and remember: Always aim for the brain.
Bonus: How to Survive When Rabid Albino Monkeys Attack
Man is obscenely unprepared for the upcoming rabid albino monkey attack, but rest assured that day is going to come, and when it does you’ll be glad you took note of some of the most important survival tips you will ever learn. Once the rabid albino monkeys come, you will have to hold out for 10 days. Those 10 days are going to be painful – grueling even. But if you can withstand the onslaught of rabid albino monkeys, you’ll be able to live a long and happy life until the zombies kill you.
Rabid Albino Monkey Survival Tips
* Stay Away From Trees – The most important thing to remember is to stay away from trees, and anything like a tree, such as a telephone pole. These monkeys thrive on surprise attacks and if you allow yourself to walk underneath trees or tree-like structures, chances are you’ll be attacked from above.
* Watch Out for the Mouth – Albino monkeys have strong claws and a powerful punch, but it’s the rabies bite that will kill you. If you’re bitten you have only about 4 weeks to live. You should still fight off the monkey, but in the end it won’t matter as much.
* Surround Yourself With Colors – Spend most of your time in areas with a lot of green or dark colors. It will be harder for these white monkeys to hide. The more colors that are around you the better. Daylight is also a big help, as the light bounces readily off of their pale hair and you can follow their movements much more easily.
* Bring Lots of Guns – You’ll need many guns if you want to survive the rabid albino monkey apocalypse. These monkeys will run at you fast and are quick movers. They know how to dodge the aim of your gun, so you’ll need to fire as many shots as it takes to kill them and move on to the next gun as the rest of the rabid albino monkey crew close in. They tend to come in packs of 5 to 10. If you don’t have enough for a wave of 10, you won’t survive long.
* Avoid Bananas – Bananas may have potassium, but they are not a food source you want to eat when the albino monkeys attack. These monkeys can smell a banana a mile away. Prune juice and papaya also have potassium. Mango too if you want to eat a fruit that isn’t terrible.
* If You’re Safe, Wait It Out – Rabies is a terrible disease and these monkeys are destined to die. If you’ve found a place where you know you’re safe and you have enough supplies to wait out their deaths, stay there and don’t be a hero. But be warned – monkeys can smell fear, and bananas, and if there is even the smallest of openings they’ll find a way in.
It’s not too long from now. The wave of deadly rabid albino monkeys is coming. Make sure you’re prepared.
Bonus 2: How to Survive When Aliens Attack
Everyone expects an alien invasion to be frightening. It’s in movies. It’s in books. People assume that the aliens are going to come, kill everyone and try to take over the world or want our women. The reality is that most aliens are probably explorers, just like those on our planet. There’s no reason to take over a planet unless you know what’s there and you want it. How can you know that without first exploring it? Human beings haven’t tried to take over Venus yet and for good reason.
But okay – perhaps the human race will be attacked by aliens. What then? Here are several very important survival tips for living through an alien attack.
Surviving the Alien Invasion
* Stay Put
Seriously. Even if Aliens do take over the world, they’re not going to go inside every house one by one and see if anyone’s home just to kill you. At worst, they’ll blow up neighborhoods using giant tractor beam bombs that essentially vaporize most of the country. There’s not a lot you can do if they vaporize everything. You will be dead. So your best bet is to stay in one location, eat food, and arm yourself. Maybe bring a book or two.
* Listen to Noises for a Few Days Before Finding Supplies
First, you need to find out whether the aliens are more active during the day or at night. While aliens should be able to see you better during the day, you can also see them better, and this is to your advantage. If they have no night patrols, of course it makes more sense to sneak to supplies at night. But if they have night patrols, during the day is likely a better time to try to find survival tools and food.
* Connect With The Locals
There will be an underground group equipped with an ex-army captain and/or a dirty cop and most certainly a doctor and/or someone in medical school. There always is. So find the local resistance army and become a part of their group, because they’ll have a plan and lots of guns and a home base where you can relax.
* Keep Many Weapons On You At All Times
Whenever you go somewhere, bring weapons. There’s a tendency to want to be stealthy without weapons, but chances are that you’re going to be seen at some point after you infiltrate the alien stronghold, so it is very important that you have some weapons to shoot your way out of there. Don’t forget to lead the aliens away from the base when you run away.
* Don’t Give Weapons to the Children
It’s really tempting. You think “wow! This 5 year old is mature and they need to defend themselves!” But no, it’s a bad idea. Children are still children. They will have little hand-eye coordination and even if they know to use it in battle, there is a better chance of you being shot then them hitting an alien.
Remember to Wait it Out
There’s a pretty good chance that the aliens will take what they want and leave, or leave anyway out of boredom, or die of diseases for which they have no immunities. There’s no reason to rush the resistance unless you’re sure that they’re here to stay. Otherwise, you’re a very small blip on a very large planet. Stay hidden, and you’ll drastically improve your chances of survival.
An essay on zombies
Think back to the first time you ever heard of zombies. Underestimate zombies at your peril. Remarkably the coming of zombies is heralded by shopkeepers and military suppliers alike, leading many to state that it is important to remember that ‘what fortune goes up must come down.’ It is estimated that that zombies is thought about eight times every day by so called ‘survival wannabes’, who are likely to form a major stronghold in the inevitable battle for hearts and minds. Keeping all of this in mind, in this essay I will examine the major issues.
Social Factors
Society is our own everyday reality. When Lance Bandaner said ‘twelve times I’ve traversed the ocean of youthful ambition but society still collects my foot prints’ [1] he could have been making a reference to zombies, but probably not. More a melody to societies dysfunctions than a parody of the self, zombies demonstrates a coherent approach, something so lacking in our culture, that it is not recognized by all.
Our post-literate society, more than ever before, relies upon zombies. Just as a dog will return to its own sick, entertainment authors will return to zombies, again and again.
Economic Factors
Is zombie caused unemployment inherently bad for an economy? Yes. We will primarily be focusing on the Custard-Not-Mustard model, as is standard in this case.
| Housing Prices |
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| zombies | ||
There is no longer a need to argue the importance of zombies, it is clear to see that the results speak for themselves. The question which surfaces now is, how? It goes with out saying that housing prices is in financial terms ‘holding hands with zombies.’ What it all comes down to is money. Capitalists hate zombies.
Political Factors
Much of the writings of historians display the conquests of the most powerful over the less powerful. Comparing international relations since the end of the century can be like observing chalk and cheese.
We cannot talk of zombies and politics without remembering the words of a legend in their own life time, Bartholomew Bootlegger ‘You can lead a horse to water, so what.’ [2] Considered by many to be one of the ‘Founding Fathers’ of zombies, his words cannot be over-looked. If our political system can be seen as a shit cake, then zombies makes a good case for being the icing.
One of the great ironies of this age is zombies. Isn’t it ironic, don’t you think?
Conclusion
To reiterate, zombies must not be allowed to get in the way of the bigger question: why are we zombie food? Putting this aside its of great importance. It enriches, influences the influencers,, though zombies bring with them obvious difficulties, it is truly zombies that enrich.
Here with the final word is Hollywood’s Keanu Travolta: ‘My Daddy loved zombies and his Daddy loved zombies.’ [3]
[1] Lance Bandaner – Adventurous Spirit – 1993 See-Saw Publishing
[2] Bootlegger – Take It! – 1961 Viva Books
[3] Your guide to zombies – Issue 98 – T36 Publishing
